Trying to find a tactful way to convince my parents to file for disability for my 40-year-old sibling whose mood disorder has prevented him from moving out or working in the last 20 years; perhaps a softer way than point blank saying “there is no fuckin’ way he is living here when you die”

Just caught myself contemplating attending a free Landscaping 101 workshop at my local plant nursery on a weekend morning. It appears I’ve reached peak middle aged woman a little early.

Counting down the weeks to my leisurely yurt experience on a farm, looming specter of an outhouse and all.

Enjoy that “Women 4 Trump” sign while you can wield your opinion lady, you’re gonna have to turn that privilege in when they hand you your Handmaid wings and start leasing out your womb

Bunch of knuckle dragging toothless wonders flashing their “TRUMP 2020” signs on the 17 and Van Dyke median, if you’re wondering where to direct your middle fingers today

Today is all about Tyson making us mixed drinks from a 1970’s Cocktail booklet I brought home. Just had an American Flyer, now onto a Georgianna: goodbye World.

My writing professor keeps calling short stories “delicious” and “yummy” - once, “awash with deliciousness” - and I can’t properly articulate how much I fully hate that

My husband and I bring up That’s So Raven far too often for two people who have never watched That’s So Raven

Writing a research paper on Face-Negotiation Theory and I keep typing “Facebook” instead of “Facework”, someone reprogram me pls

Uh, literally the only reason I am contemplating getting a flu shot is because my coworker just informed me that when you get the no-cost flu shot at CVS, they give you a FIVE DOLLAR TARGET COUPON

Tyson is ordering us Taco Bell from Grubhub. I am dealing with severe emotional whiplash as I rapidly oscillate between sheer joy and extreme shame.

I just want you all to know that of all the characters I created for the dungeon crawling game I’m currently playing, the only one to survive is the dickhead Woodcutter I passive aggressively named ‘Publio’ because I thought he would die first

I thought it would be fine to put on The Conjuring - a movie I’ve seen before - during daylight hours with the hum of the next door neighbor mowing his lawn to keep me company.

Cut to me turning on all the lights, shutting all the doors, and making an old man wheezing noise when a branch fell on the roof. Fucking hell. I can’t even go downstairs to put the laundry through.

Get your shit together weather I already packed all my summer clothes away

Winning at Friday — Came home with beer, pizza, and a stack of Playboys from the ‘70’s: The Hairy Trifecta.

Are you smelling this air right now? Someone take me on a haunted hayride STAT

Today, I was lazily laying under the cash register and having my boss drop jalapeño cheese curls into my mouth, when an old man peered over the counter and was greatly surprised to discover I wasn’t a dog. That was when I realized that 1.) I had been living a dog’s life, 2.) for a brief moment in time, I had made it, and 3.) people think I’m weird for lounging everywhere.

Which part of “I’m wearing headphones in the self-checkout lane and avoiding eye contact” led you to believe I was interested in talking to you?

I fucked up getting the secret first whistle in Mario 3 and I am pretty inconsolable right now

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