Quick heads up: the best title you can have in IT is “Chaos Engineer”

I’ve finally searched for the Windows equivalent of a Linux command. It’s really happening.

Big Boss Man definitely contributed to my distrust of authority

Time for the elevator ride with someone who is so phonezoned that they don’t even notice that none of the buttons are pushed. Literally just riding an elevator up and down at the whim of others like it’s some shitty Great Glass Wonkaoffice

You can just hear the life draining from everyone in line behind the guy in the cutoff hoodie and crocs, talking on his phone while checking out and only engaging with the cashier after the transaction ended about a deal he did not understand correctly at CVS

If a video starts with someone pouring lighter fluid out of a drink bottle, they will be on fire by the end

On the rare occasion I do kill a spider, it usually is announced with a sigh, followed by, “You can’t do that, bud.”

@cleocatra and I compiling a list of names used by chat support to make them seem extra American (some real, some not):
• Marc Justin
• General Robert Theodore Washington
• John Freedom Eagle Massachusetts
• Tanya
• Uncle Samuel Rushmore
• Randy Free Bird Star Bars Smith

Spent the last day of summer listening to Monolord, reading Scud and drinking El Ligero in the heat. Could have done worse.

You read the title “Sneaker of the House.” What do you think it’s about? An invisible person? Shoes? Both. It’s about an invisible person who steals shoes from congressmen.

Nothing says big dick urban cowboy like watching an F-150 daintily idle over a three-inch high speed bump. Don’t spill your cranappletini, Boss Hoss

Dude at my work named PJ and I just keep thinking his full first name is “Pajama.”

< gets invited by co-workers to a “quiet” whiskey bar after work
< makes david lee roth noises

Anime or automobile; either avatar makes me think you’re a sociopath

The secret hidden terror of rush hour traffic is learning how many people eat their boogers

Realized I’m a year younger than I thought I was which is like the existential equivalent of finding a hundo in an old jacket pocket

Carrying around my allergy pill in my pocket like it’s some sort of ward or totem instead of, y’know, ingesting it.

Slappin’ open crowded elevator doors at work like I’m looking for John Connor. Don’t act like you didn’t see this skinny-fat frame hustling at you, you bunch of Kitty Genovese case studies

But I can still hear the dude across from me burp alllll fucking day

Mastering the art of slapping on the headphones when my work neighbors look like they want to chat about tedious bullshit

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