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Ferrets are so stinkin cute but I feel like I could never get some because then I'd be "ferret guy". Very similar vibes to "reptile guy"

Every time we give Finn a bath he runs around like a wild man tossing pillows off the couch and acting like a general madman

Having to go into an AT&T store, even for something as simple as picking up a prepaid order, is as bad as going to Secretary of State

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I'm going to die of being in meetings. Decades later my skeleton will be found in a conference room and anthropologists will determine from my jaw position my last words were "ok so I think that wraps it up". The wear on my mandible suggests I said this over and over

Had to shoot the hardest bird imaginable at a boomer in a big fuck truck who cut me off on my bike pulling out of the McDonald's (of course) at 11 & Lafayette.

If you want your day at work to go quickly, just schedule a meeting you'll dread for 11am and then before you know it, the day is half over!

Possibly one of the most satisfying things I've experienced is taking off that accursed heart monitor, even if it took off a few layers of skin with it

I've either been hungover or suffering from food poisoning for two days. Can't tell but I've finally found a way to curb excess eating so let's gooo!

I got really sad watching it and did the whole cup + post card trap before letting it outside. Taped up the screen hole with duct tape

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There was a bee in my office this morning. Presumably it got in through the hole in my screen the day before. It was crawling around the ledge so I opened the window and it gently crawled onto the screen. Now it is ambling around the screen. I'm hoping it can find the hole and escape to do fulfilling bee things like pollinate flowers but I'm worried its stuck. This is all something that is really happening right now but I also am feeling the bee a lot.

"I think you should leave" is the funniest shit I've seen in a long time. It's been a while since I cry-laughed trying to catch my breath

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